On Making Your Bed
Obviously, this break-up has forced me into a period of introspection and striving to “be me” and “do me” (yeah that’s a Drake reference, I’m from Toronto ok) and “love me” and etc. I say “obviously” because I feel like this is a common feeling for single-girls-reading-blogs - every other blog is telling you that you’re single because you don’t love yourself enough.
which isn’t necessarily true, of course… starting from the fact that our capacity for love is endless and there will always be ways in which we can “love ourselves more”.
that said, this is still obviously a great time for growth. though it’s also a dangerous time - you don’t want your growth to be fueled by too many thoughts of “what did I do wrong and what can I therefore change so this doesn’t happen again” because you didn’t do anything wrong. I mean, sure there are things you could’ve done BETTER, but there’s no one thing that you can trace back that would explain the demise of your relationship.
Right? shit, listen, I’m talking in second person but I’m talking about myself. if that wasn’t clear.
So, anyway, while it may be a little too early for big life changes yet, a couple of lows and crying sessions made me start thinking about how I at least need to take better care of myself and pull myself together. I’ve been a mess these past two weeks - not sleeping enough, not eating enough or properly, late for work all the time, pissed at how many hours I have at work, being super chipper at work to compensate for how awful I feel inside, stressed over how the semester ended and yet I still have two papers I need to finish, pissed at R, depressed over R, missing our relationship, haven’t been to the gym in ages, haven’t written in ages, haven’t hung out with friends outside of a library in ages, haven’t even seen a single friend this week, etc, etc. Life, as a collective whole, has massively sucked.
A lot of this is, of course, my fault. I don’t want to blame me too much because jeez, like I need to give myself any more shit, but I do recognize that I need to take better care of myself. So I started thinking about little ways I could do this. start small. little things I could do that would make me feel better and make me feel like I’m not floundering in an ocean amidst the debris of ~my life~.
One of the first things that came to mind is making my bed. I am generally one of those people that never makes their bed, never thinks about it, doesn’t have time in the morning for it, and doesn’t think it’s important. However, there have been two exceptions to this rule in my life: while I lived in residence, and while I lived with R. I’m not gonna get into why I think these exceptions exist, but needless to say, as soon as I moved into my current apartment, I stopped making my bed. (and a month later R and I went on our first break and life has been awful ever since and I met him in residence when I was making my bed so obviously this is all connected!!! kidding. maybe? I mean I may just be emotionally unstable enough to believe this right now.)
More importantly, however, is that recently, every time I’ve climbed into bed, I’ve had this awful feeling of having just been there. like I just woke up, achieved nothing in my day, and now I’m back to kill more time by being unconscious for 6 hours. it’s a really strange (and shitty!) feeling, but it makes sense, given my recent state of mind.
I also have a small room, so every time I’m in it, I am hyper-aware of my unmade bed. maybe that contributes to it. I don’t know. In any case, when I was thinking about making small changes in my life, making my bed was one of the first things to come to mind.
I failed in doing so the first few mornings after having this thought, but I made it last night before I left my apartment to go to my parents’ house for Christmas, and I made my bed in this house this morning. No immediate changes in my life yet, but I did read this today:
The Secret to Happiness (a chat with Gretchen Rubin)
For those who are too lazy to click the link, Sarah Wilson, one of my favourite “improve yo life” bloggers, asked Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, what’s the one trick that has resonated the most with her readers:
make your bed. every day.
Of all the tips shared on her blog, this one has attracted the most passionate, positive feedback. “Everywhere I go I get pulled up about the make your bed thing,” she says.
Gretchen’s rationale is that shaking your doona and poofing your pillow each morning is a no-brainer way to create a semblance of outer order, which, in turn, creates inner calm. If you’re an A-type personality, or you simply find yourself wishing you could just-get-on-top-of-things-for-a-moment, you get this, right? Because it’s small and do-able, and so close to home, it means you can actually get that hit of “control amidst the chaos”.
It’s rather a symbolic act: taking mindful time before you start your day to attend to your sleeping arrangement. Your bed is a nurturing, energising space. Putting it in order is to attend to your soul. It also creates a nice closure to your day, a comforting reward.
So there, the Universe is aligning and all that. I’m taking the hint.
